Thursday, October 30, 2008

Day three hundred and three ... A convincing argument Pt. 1.

This should be fun.

In the spirit of the historic election we are currently ensconced in, I have decided to try an experiment.

I realized today that the two parties who are currently battling to win the seat of the president of the United States of America, is a classic example of the villain and the savior, and consequently I can draw a parallel to my life (classic megalomania).

You can guess who is who, I'm not going too get to deep into my own political ideology here. 

This is about fictional reality, not politics.

In saying that, I would like to take the opportunity afforded me by having this free, unedited (some would say savagely unedited) unbiased, and completely independent forum to make two arguments.

The first argument--today's--would be for what we would call, the tried and true (albeit unpopular) candidate: debauchery. I say unpopular in relation to the way my life has been led over the last ten months. It is a subject I am quite versed in and a party that I once had strong ties to. 

Tomorrow's post will be for our knight in shining armor: sobriety, a candidate which shows much promise and hope for the future, regardless of its modicum of experience. It is apparently what the world--my world--has been looking for for years. It offers a beneficent and egalitarian vision for the country amidst a past full of gluttony, greed, egotism, and denial that is all too fresh in our minds. 

And it will be fresher still after the following plea for your support.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, Candidate number one, John DeBauchery.

(Cheers. Boos. Cheers)

(entering, arms raised to mid-chest, pointing, smiling).

Thank you ... thank you friends. 

It's great to be here. I'd like to thank F. Alex Johnson College for sponsoring this event ... and Jack Daniels for helping me give this speech (laughs).

I stand before you today, my friends, with one goal in mind: to convince you that I am the answer.

Now, you've, no doubt, heard me much maligned by my opponent in recent months. You've heard how I've been called responsible for everything from the bad economy, to a surplus of resentment, headaches, dry mouth, nausea, paranoia and thoughts of ending it all. Well, my friends, I'm here today to tell you that I am responsible.


That's right friends. All of those unfortunate symptoms I had a major hand in creating. All of these things were a direct result from the policies I offered and passed. But you know what? In times like these we must give a little bit of ourselves up in order to reap the benefits of an exciting, and fulfilling life. In times like these you have to endure some pain and suffering to feel freedom ... and I would hazard to guess that a lot of social advancements wouldn't have been brought about had it not been for my guidance and unflagging encouragement. 

Policies which came from my desk enabled you to go out and talk freely to people who would otherwise have remained strangers. On nights that you felt uncomfortable in social situations, was it not I who calmed your fears and allowed you to feel at ease? (cheers, agreement). You've told me yourself that I facilitated more than a few romances for you which--regardless of their outcome--brought new understanding and adventure to your life. Beer goggles may obscure your vision and judgement in the short term, but they more than make up for all of that in sheer fearlessness and daring in past-tense story form. I should know ... I'm drunk right now. (cheers).

How else do you think I could get up here and talk in front of this many of you assholes (laughs, eventual boos).

But seriously, friends, I offer you something that my opponent simply cannot: I offer you the feeling of completion.

When you were out at the game, was it not I who made you feel like you were getting the most out of your night? I think the phrase, "Ah ... now this is livin'" comes to mind. And was I not the one who guided your hand as you made the decision to upgrade your seats when you knew full well you didn't belong anywhere near a field box? You know deep inside you that there are numerous situations that you would have never found yourself in had it not been for the powerful consequences from the laws my administration enacted. I complete not only many of the events of your daily lives by validating your sense of entitlement, but I also provide a reason for being--sometimes literally--anywhere.

Wouldn't you rather be out and about, mind-numbingly drunk than sleeping, boringly somewhere sober? (cheers)

Now I know you're going to be hearing a lot about how Mr. Sobriety can promise you a change of outlook and a new determination to succeed without all of my help. He's going to try to convince you that all of the good I've brought about is nothing in comparison to the negative effects of my rule--health risks, job losses, blah, blah, blah. But I want you to take a good, long look at yourself and tell me if you are ready to put your trust in the unfamiliar (boos). Can you put your faith in somebody who has never been tested in the long run? Are you going to just up and denounce the feeling of security I can provide because I may require a bit more money to make my system work? (shouts of "No!"). Progress is expensive, my friends, and the result from the research and development to keep my party's impressive influence on the world's stage safe and sound is worth more than you could ever save even if you tried. That's a guarantee you can risk trusting in.

(confused cheers)

I know you because I am one of you. All you need to do is take one look at me through the years to understand how familiar I have become.

Are you going to turn your backs on somebody who has been there since almost before you can remember? (shouts of "No!"). Somebody who has grown up with you and been a role model for you for not just this generation, but every single generation that has come before it and beyond. Look at my credentials, my friends, and I think you will be pleased to note that it is only starting in the latter half of the last century that anyone had anything bad to say about what my party does, and has done, for America and its citizens. 

We were once a sign of maturity--a classy, sublime, cornerstone of civilized society, commingling with the gray matter of some of the finest thinkers the world has ever produced. Are you ready to let some newfangled do-gooder tell you history should be ashamed of itself.


And that's exactly what my opponent is trying to tell you if you listen to him. 

But what he doesn't know is ... what he doesn't know is a lot of things.

He doesn't know what it feels like to wake up at 7:30 in the morning, pour yourself a tall vodka on the rocks, and watch Good Morning America while you call in sick to work (cheers). He doesn't know how it feels to come home from a long hard day at work and polish off a six-pack before dinner (cheers) ... a dinner you earned the right to eat with your hands (cheers, thrown food). And he doesn't know the feeling of bringing a carload full of empties back to the store, lining up case after case after case of empty bottles, and bringing the money you rightly earned from paying a silver nickel on each bottle more than you should have to begin with, and buying a much smaller amount of booze with it ... which is your right as Americans! (cheers). He doesn't know that because he's too good for that (boos). That's Italicright, my friends, my opponent wants you to believe he has a better way and that if you don't do what he does, then you're missing out on life (boos). He wants you to give up the right to pass out on the neighbors lawn on a Sunday afternoon ... he wants you to forgo ten cent wings with each pitcher down at Harry's, Monday thru Friday, five to seven (boos). And he wants to keep you scared for your lives that my way is going to lead to ruin, even as he sits there, smug and overconfident, with a club soda in one hand and his pointy finger pointed straight at you in his other hand.

(boos, confused looks)

The question I have for you, friends, is a simple one.

Are you better off now than you were four beers ago?

(shouts of "No!").

Of course you are.Italic


In closing, I just would like to say that I know how you feel, America. I know how you wake up each day with a hangover and a nagging feeling in your head that you may have made a bad decision the night before (sounds of agreement). I know that feeling because I wake up each day just like you do. And I know that many of you may think--just like my opponent thinks--that maybe that's a very bad thing (boos). Well I want to tell you to forget about those bad feelings for now (cheers). Just push them right out of your mind ... just ... right out of your mind like you're pushing them off a steep, steep, mountain that you just triumphantly climbed all by yourself with the help of all your friends just like you (cheers). Because I want you to know, America, that I applaud your resilience. I admire your tenacity to forge on and continue drinking in excess despite all signs pointing to complete disaster (cheers, bottles smashing). I want you to know that it is only with destruction that we can rebuild (cheers). It's only with regret that we can look ahead (cheers). And it's only with many decisions ... that we can make the right decision. 

I hope on Tuesday, my friends, that you make a decision, and I hope that decision will be made for me.

Thank you America, and may God bless us all.


I'm F. Alex Johnson and I approve this message ... until tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.


1 comment:

guess said...

Laughing. Can't wait for the follow up and the SNL appearance.